


peppermint tea and curls

by spikeymarshmallows



Series: the kliego genderswap/sexswap nobody asked for [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Domestic, F/F, Genderswap/Sexswap, Hair Brushing, Hangover, Idiots in Love, Mild Sexual Content, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25790020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spikeymarshmallows/pseuds/spikeymarshmallows
Summary: Diana woke with a groan. She regretted absolutely everything. She didn't usually drink, and when she did, she was fastidious about making sure she drank water until she was on the verge of being sick and always took some Tylenol.She had not been quite so careful last night.In her defence, she'd been distracted.*The morning after is hell.
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves
Series: the kliego genderswap/sexswap nobody asked for [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1870903
Comments: 16
Kudos: 60





	peppermint tea and curls

**Author's Note:**

> ........So the last part of this was super smutty, but [c0ffeebee](https://c0ffeebee.tumblr.com/) always has me thinking about Softe Kliego. So... this was born. 
> 
> It's about 80% idiots, 15% softness, and 5% pining. 
> 
> Unbeta'd. YEET. I'm going back to bed.

Diana woke with a groan. She regretted absolutely everything. _Everything_. She didn't usually drink, and when she did, she was fastidious about making sure she drank water until she was on the verge of being sick and always took some Tylenol.

She had not been quite so careful last night.

In her defence, she'd been distracted.

Klaudia was very distracting, and she'd always been good at getting in the way of Diana's best intentions. Diana pushed herself up onto her elbows, regretted that decision, flopped back down, and regretted that choice even more.

She groaned and covered her eyes with a forearm.

"Shhh," Klaudia said from beside her. Her voice was raspy.

Diana grunted.

"Agreed," Klaudia said. "Go back to sleep."

"I wanna die," Diana said. "Kill me."

Klaudia patted her arm absently. "You'll live."

Diana groaned.

"Who knew you'd be such a little bitch about a hangover?"

"Don't make me kick you out of bed," Diana threatened, trying to make her mouth taste less like death.

"You wouldn't," Klaudia said, voice muffled as she turned her face into Diana's pillow.

"No?"

"No. Because that'd involve you moving too much." She sounded smug.

And damnit, she was right.

"Fine," Diana huffed, squinting under her arm to look at Klaudia. She looked remarkably peaceful. There were still remnants of her eyeliner and mascara, but the worst of the mess had been cleaned off in the shower last night.

Mustering what strength she had—and god, it was not a lot—she pushed herself upright. The room swayed.

It took far greater strength and energy than she had to get herself to the bathroom and then back. She almost vomited up the water she forced herself to drink, but stopped herself through sheer force of will.

When Diana stumbled back to her bed, Klaudia was still there, sheet draped around her waist. Her hair was a chaotic tangle around her, and her cheeks had a soft little flush to them thanks to the warmth of the room. Her lips, always bitten, were chapped.

Diana wanted to kiss her again; then again, Diana also wanted to _die_ right then. Holy hell, when had hangovers become so bad?

She eased herself back under the sheet, shuffling down into the bed. She'd had plans today. She had been intending to be productive.

She'd do it after she had some more sleep.

When Diana next woke, it was to Klaudia clambering back over the top of her to put herself between Diana and the wall.

Diana hadn't even noticed Klaudia leaving. The thought made her stomach drop, but she tried to comfort herself in the knowledge that at least Klaudia had come back rather than disappearing into the streets without so much as a note. Again.

Klaudia flopped down onto the mattress, over the top of the sheets. Diana could smell mint.

"By the way, I used your toothbrush," Klaudia said. "Hope that's okay." She pressed a wet kiss to Diana's cheek. Diana grumbled. "But I figured you had your tongue in my pussy last night so what's a little toothbrush sharing between sisters?"

Diana couldn't help but laugh. She immediately regretted it though as the movement caused her head to throb.

"Poor Didi. Not used to hangovers, are you?"

Diana grunted that, nope, she wasn't.

"It's okay. Let Mommy take care of you. I'm _very_ experienced with hangovers, believe it or not."

Diana threw her a filthy look. "Don't call yourself that."

"What? 'Mommy'?"

Diana closed her eyes but she _knew_ Klaudia was smirking. Bitch.

"Whatever you say, _Mommy_. Can I get you a glass of water, _Mommy_?"

"I know what you're trying to do. And it might usually work, but I am way too hungover to flip you over and put your mouth to better use."

When Diana half-opened an eye to look at Klaudia, she was pleased to see that Klaudia was pouting.

"Fine," she huffed. She pushed herself off the bed again and waltzed over to the sink. Diana heard her clattering around and filling some glasses with water. There was the sound of her rifling through draws.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for your Tylenol. I doubt you've got anything stronger."

She did, but there was not a chance in hell she'd let Klaudia know that.

"In the drawers over…" She gestured vaguely in that direction.

"Wow, so fuckin' helpful," Klaudia muttered.

Diana couldn't be bothered arguing.

"Here," Klaudia said, showing up at her side again. She had a glass of water in one hand and some Tylenol in the other.

Diana pushed herself up onto her elbows and took them. Klaudia looked far too pleased with herself.

"So I'm thinking coffee next," Klaudia said, waltzing back to the sink.

"No," Diana said. "No coffee." Her liver was already furious at her and the idea of coffee made her feel ill. "I have some peppermint tea."

"Bacon? Something greasy?"

Diana shook her head, hating the movement. "No. Um." She contemplated getting out of bed to make it herself but gave up on that idea. "Toast?"

Klaudia grinned. "You got it!" She made finger guns at her.

Diana didn't even realise she'd started dozing again until Klaudia was waking her up with some plain toast.

"No butter, even. Which, honestly, is a crime, but I know you hate it on there."

Diana smiled weakly and sat up. She drank the tea and ate the toast slowly, hating everything about her existence right now. By the time she'd finished, Klaudia had climbed back into bed beside her.

Diana set the mug and plate aside and Klaudia tugged her in for a hug. Diana went easily, ending up with her head cushioned against Klaudia's tummy. She smelled good, like Diana's shower gel and laundry detergent.

She didn't remember falling asleep. When she woke up again, Klaudia was still there. The television had been moved so that she could watch it from the bed. The lights were down low, and the curtains around the room pulled closed.

Diana got up to use the bathroom, was force-fed more toast and water, and then fell asleep again, this time on Klaudia's thigh.

The rest of the day passed in much the same way. She didn't vomit, thank god, and Klaudia was a surprisingly good nurse maid, ensuring she was hydrated.

Diana felt better by the evening, and stayed curled against Klaudia's bony thigh as they watched some sitcom Diana didn't recognise. Klaudia's hands were gentle in her hair.

Diana woke up to the smell of pizza. It didn't make her feel sick this time.

"Where'd you get money for pizza?" Diana asked groggily as she sat up. She didn't think she had any cash hidden anywhere Klaudia would look.

"Found it in the lining of my jacket!" She beamed and set it down on the bed. "I got it with extra mushrooms, just how you like it."

Diana smiled sleepily and kissed Klaudia's temple.

Diana managed to drag herself to shower after. It made her feel like a whole new person. God, she should have done this hours ago.

"You're looking better," Klaudia commented when Diana slumped back into the room. She felt better. Her damp hair formed wet patches on her tank top, but she didn't overly care. It was warm in the boiler room.

"Are you spending the night?" Diana asked instead.

"Kicking me out already?" Klaudia teased, putting her hands behind her head.

"No. You should stay." Diana didn't expand on that. She was too tired.

"Okay, you talked me into it," Klaudia said. She pushed off of the bed. "But first, I'm stealing your towel and toothbrush again."

Klaudia returned with the towel thrown over her shoulder, in another of Diana's tank tops, and—

"Are those my underwear?" Diana asked, squinting at the lacy blank panties she definitely recognised.

"Yeah," Klaudia said. She hung the towel over the bannister. "You wouldn't want me to go to bed in dirty underwear, would you?"

Diana grumbled.

"And really? That's where you want to drawn the line?" Klaudia laughed brightly. "You're ridiculous."

"It's the principle," Diana said as Klaudia clambered over her and into the bed.

Klaudia shuffled around, shifting this and that, uncaring that Diana was there and might have had this arranged as she liked them.

"You right there?" Diana asked, grouchy.

"Perfect," Klaudia said, rolling onto her side so that she was facing Diana.

Diana rolled over so they were lying face to face.

"Thanks for looking after me today," Diana said.

"I consider my debt to you paid," Klaudia said smugly.

"Debt?" Diana smirked.

"Yeah. You look after me when I need it. I looked after you."

"This has been one time."

"Is that ungratefulness I'm hearing? It better not be," Klaudia sniffed.

Diana laughed, and Klaudia did too as she leaned in and kissed her sweetly. They'd exchanged a few lazy kisses through the day, but Diana had been feeling anything but sexy and it hadn't gone further. She would have been happy to leave it at that, but Klaudia had wandering hands.

"You really just go for it, don't you?" Diana said against Klaudia's mouth.

"Is that a complaint?" Klaudia said, breaking away from the kiss to slip two fingers into her own mouth.

"A little bit," Diana said, eyes fluttering shut when Klaudia pushed her hand inside Diana's underwear this time. "Like, gee, haven't you heard of foreplay?"

"Shut up," Klaudia said, shutting Diana up with another kiss. "You sleep better with an orgasm or two. Just… let me."

Diana's mouth fell open and she nodded.

Klaudia's fingers were so gentle, like she'd remembered how sensitive Diana was. She kept the touch steady and soft until Diana was whimpering into Klaudia's shoulder as she came.

Once Diana had stopped gasping, Klaudia brought her fingers back to her mouth, and sucked them clean. Klaudia kissed her then, the taste of Diana on her lips. Still kissing her, she shoved her hand into her own underwear. Unthinking, Diana put her hand over the top of Klaudia's, helping her bring herself off twice before she relaxed against the bed again.

Then, Klaudia snuggled against her, and pressed a wet kiss to her cheek as she brought the sheet up over them.

"Sleep well, Didi."

*

"Hey Didi?" Klaudia asked.

By some miracle, Klaudia was still there two days later. Diana wasn't sure what to do with that, but she wasn't going to bring it up if Klaudia wasn't going to.

"Stop calling me that. You know I hate it."

"Fine," Klaudia said, tone going cloying. "Diana, darling, dear, sister."

" _What?_ "

"Can you chuck us one of your knives?"

"What? No? Why? No?"

Klaudia gestured at the mess of hair on her head. "I can't be fucked getting this untangled. Figure I'm due for a haircut anyway."

Diana's eyes widened. "No," she said hurriedly.

Klaudia cocked her head.

"I'll help fix it."

Klaudia blinked at her a few times and then shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"

Diana's hair was very different from Klaudia's; they'd known that for years. There had been a few failed attempts at brushing it when they were young, but it ended up being the opposite of what their father had wanted: a goddamn disaster.

Diana hurriedly gathered up her products, as if moving slowly might cause Klaudia to change her mind.

Actually, with Klaudia's attention span being what it was, if Diana didn't act on it right that second, Klaudia would be off with the fairies before Diana could spell her own name.

"Uh," she said, dropping her hairbrush and various hair products on the couch. She grabbed the pillow from the bed and dropped it on the floor in front of it. "Sit."

Klaudia raised an eyebrow and dropped onto the pillow with her usual lack of grace. Diana, still standing, looked at the mess before her and had a stroke a genius.

"Seriously? Oil?" Klaudia asked when Diana finished rifling through her meagre pantry.

"It's coconut oil. It's fine for hair. I sometimes use it; makes my hair all soft and shiny."

"Weird, but okay. If I'm being covered in oil, I usually prefer to be a lot more naked, and there to be a pool and many other naked bodies."

Diana shook her head to herself as she sat down on the couch behind Klaudia. "You're such a slut."

"You're such a prude."

"I thought we established that I'm _not_ ," Diana said smugly. "Or do you need yet another demonstration?"

Diana didn't need to see Klaudia's face to know she was smirking.

"Top off," Diana instructed, unscrewing the jar of coconut oil.

"Oooh, are we actually getting me naked and covering me in oil?"

"No," Diana said. "I just don't want oil on my top."

Klaudia stripped the top off, balled it up, and threw it onto the bed.

Diana looked at the disaster before her. Jesus. She really had her work cut out for her here.

Klaudia was surprisingly quiet when Diana started rubbing oil into the ends of her hair.

"I swear, if this makes me break out, I'm gonna be pissed."

Diana snorted. "You've had a grand total of three pimples in your life. Lucky bitch."

"Yeah, because puberty was _so_ cruel to you," Klaudia said sarcastically. "You and your double-D's were the picture of adolescent suffering."

Diana frowned. God, puberty had sucked. She'd been the first one to get tits, and whilst she'd always longed to be first in something, she'd really have preferred _not_ getting to experience the joys of puberty before her siblings.

"Man, what I wouldn't give for some boobs," she continued, cupping her almost-flat chest. "Reckon I'd look hot with some big tits, Didi?"

Diana was slowly detangling Klaudia's curls with her fingers, grimacing at all the knots she encountered. "I think you look hot the way you are."

"Yeah, but you don't know what it's like to go through life with no boobs!"

"Oh no," Diana said flatly. "How horrible to not have to wear a bra, or to not have to deal with your boobs hurting every fucking month. Gee, I sure am glad I have these."

Klaudia tipped her head back so that she could look at her. "I like your boobs. They're soft. And you're hot."

Diana felt her annoyance fade immediately. Diana <i>was</i> hot; she knew that. 

"They're pretty nice, aren't they?" 

Klaudia grinned and moved her head back so that Diana could keep gently working her fingers through the mess. She worked through Klaudia's hair, pulling out clumps of hair as she carefully untangled it.

"When was the last time you brushed this?"

Klaudia shrugged. "I don't really brush it."

"Right. The curls. Combed it?"

Klaudia shrugged. "You know time is just a construct."

"So what you're saying is you've been so high lately that you can't remember." She didn't phrase it as a question.

"Hey, I'll have you know I was sober for a week! I was in rehab for a while!"

"Isn't rehab thirty days?"

"Well, yeah, but I found a hookup there, so I only got to a week."

Diana shook her head, trying to bite back her disappointment. "All these things are gonna kill you, you know."

"Nah, can't kill me that easily. I'm stronger than that."

Diana hummed, unimpressed. She wasn't going to push it right now, not when she was enjoying the slow process of freeing Klaudia's curls.

"I'm bored," Klaudia said after a while.

"Tough cookies."

She hmphed.

"Tell me a story," Diana prompted.

"What kind of story?"

"I don't know. Any story you like."

"What about smutty stories?"

"Sure."

"What about drug stories?"

"I guess."

"What about children's stories?"

"As long as they're not involved in the smutty stories, go for it."

"What about stories about dragons?"

"Again, as long as they're not involved in the smutty stories, we're good."

"What if I wanted to tell you a story about how dragons reproduce?"

"Dragons aren't real. How would you know how they reproduce? Also, don't they lay eggs?"

"They could be real, and we just haven't discovered them yet. There are whole parts of the ocean that we haven't explored yet. Maybe they're down there."

"Aren't dragons meant to be fire-breathing? Wouldn't living in the depths of the ocean be a problem?"

"Well, only if they're fire-breathing. I bet there are other dragons that don't just breathe fire."

"Wouldn't that defeat the purpose?"

"Are you _trying_ to be difficult?"

"Are you?" Diana shot back.

"Always."

"Good. Same."

Klaudia laughed and tipped her head back again to look up at her. Diana didn't resist the urge to lean in and kiss her like this. She brought her hand up to cup her cheek, uncaring of her oily hands as they stroked along her jawline. Klaudia sighed sweetly into the kiss.

Diana pulled away with a hint of regret. "Let me finish your hair first."

Klaudia huffed and returned to her position.

"Well, I think that there are dragons. I'm pretty sure I've seen them."

"Seeing them on hallucinogens doesn't count."

"It should. Some people think they see God when they're high, and we don't call them insane."

"I didn't say you were insane. Just that seeing something on hallucinogens does not mean something is real."

"It could be," Klaudia said sulkily.

Diana chuckled. "Okay. Tell me about these dragons that reside in the Marianas Trench."

"Oh, they're not in the Marianas Trench."

"No?"

"Nope. They'd be in places like the Aleutian Trench, or the Kermadec Trench."

"Why is that?" Diana couldn't believe she was encouraging this.

"Because if you're going to be a trench-dwelling dragon, you'd want to be somewhere cold. And being near Alaska and New Zealand would be colder."

Diana didn't know enough about the oceanic trenches to effectively argue here. Oceanography was not exactly something they'd studied alongside their Ancient Greek.

"I'll take your word for it."

"As you should." She went on. "So, I would think that they reproduce like lizards do."

Diana chose not to admit that she didn't know how lizards reproduced, because knowing Klaudia, she'd get a very, very detailed explanation if she knew it. Heck, she'd get a detailed explanation even if she didn't know, and was just saying whatever bullshit came to her mind.

"And then, they'd lay their eggs in the little caves that line the trenches. And they wouldn't need to sit on them because they're specifically in the cold parts, but they _would_ stay with them to protect them. The male dragons would protect the eggs so the mamas could go out and copulate with as many dudes as possible, and she'd come back and lay more eggs and she'd end up with her own little harem. And then, the males would protect and raise the young, and she'd go off with her girlfriends and explore while the babies grew."

Diana let her talk, chiming in occasionally with quips and questions. There was a growing clump of hair on the couch beside her.

"I also think there would be different kinds of mermaids."

"Oh?"

"Down in the depths with the dragons would be the terrifying looking mermaids. Their skin would be covered in scales—"

"Wouldn't that make them fish then?"

"No, god. Fish are different."

"How?"

"They just are. Shut up. Anyway! There would be scaly mermaids in the depths. But in the shallower parts—but still so deep we haven't explored yet—there would be mermaids more like in the Little Mermaid. But I think their hair would have to be different. Can you even _imagine_ what that much salt water would do to hair?"

"Uhh…"

Diana had never been to the beach. She didn't actually know.

"It'd be terrible. So maybe their hair is something different. And instead of riding the dragons, they'd ride narwhals."

"Wait, the mermaids ride the dragons?"

"Obviously. C'mon Diana, try to keep up." She snapped her fingers the way their father had done when they were being slow. "So the upper levels would ride narwhals."

"You know narwhals are real, right? It's important to me that you know that narwhals are real."

"What? No. Bullshit." She turned around to glare at her, but did so so quickly that Diana didn't have a chance to extricate her hand from her hair. "Ow!"

"Jeeze, just… Sit still for a second." Diana eased her hand out while Klaudia scrunched her face up.

"Why do people think _I'm_ the insane one?" Klaudia muttered, crossing her arms and turning back around. "Next thing you'll tell me that unicorns are real."

"Wait, are we talking about mythical creatures being real? Or are we talking about you genuinely believing mythical creatures are real?"

"Both. And they're not mythical if they're real."

"Oh my god," Diana muttered. She was on the final clump of hair thank goodness. Klaudia's hair hung limp with the copious amounts of coconut oil but at least there were no knots now. Once it was washed, Diana bet her curls would bounce right back.

When she finished, Diana kept combing her fingers through Klaudia's hair, rubbing at her scalp unconsciously. Klaudia fell silent. Oh. Diana changed her technique so it was more like a massage now. She didn't think she'd ever seen Klaudia so still and silent.

After some time—Diana wasn't really sure how much—a tension in Klaudia's shoulders Diana hadn't even known was there disappeared. She tipped her head back, her eyes closed. Klaudia's eyes opened slowly and she blinked a few times, a dreamy expression on her face.

"C'mon," Diana said, not really wanting to disturb the peacefulness that had fallen over the room, but knowing they couldn't sit here all day like this. "I'll help you wash it out."

"Mmm, you better. I can't imagine getting that shit out is gonna be fun."

It was a nightmare getting the coconut oil out of Klaudia's hair, but after Diana had shampooed it twice, and the conditioner (which really weren't suited for curly hair but would have to do for the moment) was sitting, Diana dropped to her knees and pushed Klaudia's back against the shower wall.

Diana hadn't been planning to wash her own hair today, and break her carefully crafted skin and haircare routine, but her braid ended up drenched by the time they were done.

Klaudia tried to pull Diana into bed, still dripping water, but Diana could not be swayed. She gently towelled off Klaudia's hair, admiring how much better it already looked, even without any of the special products Diana knew that Alistair used on his own curls.

"You're gorgeous," Diana said, finally dropping the towel onto the bed and cupping Klaudia's face in her hands again. She kissed her long, and slow, and deep, and this time, she let Klaudia pull her back onto the bed.

Diana didn't realise she'd fallen asleep until she woke up and realised the boiler room was dark. She sat up abruptly. Klaudia grumbled from beside her. Diana exhaled in relief. She was so used to waking up and finding Klaudia gone that she'd thought for a moment…

With an exhale of relief, Diana lay back down. She lay her arm across Klaudia's waist and when she didn't seem to wake, Diana cuddled in closer. Sleep reclaimed her easily.

"Do you wanna stay for dinner?"

Klaudia was still there. Diana wasn't sure what she was doing right, but _Klaudia was still there_.

"I'll make you waffles?" Diana offered.

Klaudia narrowed her eyes slightly.

"With real sugar in them? Not that stevia shit?"

Diana wrinkled her nose. "Stevia is disgusting. Yes, with real sugar. I won't even try and sneak protein powder in them."

Klaudia studied her. "What's the catch?"

"What makes you think there's a catch?"

"The Diana I know would never voluntarily consume sugar outside of Mom's baking."

Diana rolled her eyes. "There's no catch. Just… stay?"

"Like, another night?"

"Yeah. Or, I dunno. However long you want."

"I mean, I was planning on doing that anyway."

"Yeah?"

"Well, yeah."

Diana tried not to hope. "No… waking up in the morning to you gone?"

"I mean…" Klaudia hummed. "Warm bed. More orgasms than I've ever had in my life. _Waffles_. I figure that's a pretty good deal. I don't even have to worry about my hair! You do it for me."

Diana's smile was small. It was foolish to get her hopes up when it came to Klaudia, but that had never stopped Diana before.

Klaudia seemed oblivious to Diana's thoughts. "I can set the table if you want!"

Diana reached out and took her hand before she could get too far.

"Wha—" Klaudia started to say before Diana cupped her face and kissed her silent.

Diana rested her forehead against Klaudia's when she finally broke the kiss. "Stay," she said again.

"That's the plan," Klaudia whispered. Diana could see something in her eyes, in her face, and it gave her a foolish hope.

Klaudia pulled her back in.

Waffles could wait.


End file.
